I've been thinking about a question that Alice asked me almost a year ago.
The question was asked after I threatened to leave her in San Diego after she wouldn't talk to me for 10 hours when I made a mistake the previous night and referenced a Thai food video as, "the food of her people". She's Taiwanese. She shutdown and chose to not speak a word to me for rest of the night.
That night I did not sleep and didn't want to push her to talk, so I suffered through the night. For her. The next morning I continued to wait for her response but I got restless from the silent treatment and asked if we could talk. She looked at me and without a word she turned and went to the bathroom, I had enough. I took her belongings I had of hers and left them on her bag. I was ready to leave and go back to LA. When she returned, she started talking,
"What is this?" referencing her pants that she's lent me for months.
That's when I told her I was leaving.
I was tired of her shutting me out, I was tired of waiting for her, I was tired of fighting for her.
That's when she started to breakdown and when she asked the question, "Why won't you fight for me?"
In that moment, I was shocked to hear the question. I've thought about it and analyzed why I would feel this way. And the truth is I've always fought for her from the beginning up until that moment. Even now I am in a way.
I can analyze our relationship all day. The reason I was given as to why we aren't together any longer, as I recall, was that I didn't put as much work into the relationship as she did. No context, that's it. It hurts so much because I think I was a good boyfriend and it sucks not knowing what I did wrong.
It's easier, and most likely the reason, to think that she just didn't want to date anymore. Sure, that still would suck but a more understandable reason.
Ugh, I need to stop listening to Olivia Rodrigo...
