January 13th, 2023 (friday of Leiout) - Monday December 15th, 2025
Monday December 15th, 2025 (Day 1068)
The Friday prior to this date I decided to reach out to Alice. This would be the first interaction between the two of us since she broke up with me on Saturday November 29th. Why did I want to reach out? I wanted to tell her how I felt in person or at least get some closure, but I didn't get a response.
The Sunday prior I decide to send out one last message to let Alice know that I was still flying into Boston on that Monday. If she didn't reach out to me by Wednesday I would be taking a bus to NYC.
Monday morning I received a call from Alice on my bus ride to the airport I could hear her sniffling and I asked if I could call her later, she hung up on me. During the end of my flight I received a message from her telling me that she'd pick me up from the airport. I obliged since I wasn't sure if I'd get another opportunity. With the remaining 1.5 hours I started writing out my thoughts. Unfortunately most of my notes were on the internet so I didn't have time to review them. So immediately and desperately I went straight to hand written notes to jot down my thoughts. I wrote 3 pages of tangential jargon where maybe only a few lines were useable. I was out of time.
The ride from the airport to where I was staying was roughly 20 minutes away. The conversation started off hot, in a bad way. I pretty much confessed my love to her and she let me know that she was done with the relationship. She was tired of trying. I tried to understand what about our communication was off or what needed improvement, but all she could do was refer to a past conversation where she couldn't get through to me. Specifically a 3 hour long conversation where she couldn't reference exactly what was talked about so unfortunately it gave me no answers. Now to be clear, I am putting no blame on anyone here. I am literally just stating what happened.
What was definitive was that she wanted to move on.
I would be lying to you if I said I was surprised with the outcome. There were signs well ahead that I could have brought up. Post work calls became less and less. She didn't want to share moments together, ie watch shows together. We would start watching shows but then she would finish them on her own at home. It was initially her idea to have us watch movies or shows together over the phone. But that idea drifted away. Or what did I need to do differently? Should I have came to visit her in Boston more? Or maybe not worry when she didn't call during her typical time? Am I saying these are definitive signs? No, I'm really just here trying to make sense of it all.
In the past we've talked about not assuming how one person felt and to make sure to bring up whenever a problem would arise. To not assume how one felt and to trust eachother to talk about our concerns.
This entire car ride felt like she was looking for ways to fight with me, to blame me, to hate me. It's my fault for thinking everything was fine. My fault for not understanding our communication issues. My fault for the failure of our relationship. Whatever I said, felt as though I could say no right. There were moments of silence that I wanted to fill but was too afraid to say anything at all. I was spiraling.
When we parked at my destination, time was still. We made it outside of the car as she waited for me to take my belongings out. She then made it to the side of her car where she started weeping and I followed it up by hugging her. We lingered for another 10 minutes. I muttered some word vommit pertaining to love and asked her to reach out to me before she made any decision about where she will work in the future. I told her that she was my best friend and I hoped that she would still be around. That's when she tried to take the blame for all of this and I refused. There's always something you can do. It is so easy to put blame on one person for your troubles. I wanted to figure out what I could have done to be better for Alice so I won't make the same mistakes in the future.
I saw early signs but failed to bring them up. I thought I was giving her the agency to communicate with me or was I just being lazy by saying that "I didn't want to assume"?
I made it to the front of her car and she turned back to offer me one last embrace. We hugged and I started to weep onto her shoulder and I grasped her tighter. She then started to lean back as I attempted to hold her hands as she pulled away. She then entered her car as I waited for her to leave behind the trunk. She sat there still without moving. As a last ditch effort I opened her door and gave her my final plea. She says “No” I then apologize and walk back to where I was and she continued to not budge.
I felt as though she wanted something else from me but I didn't know what. With despair I put on my winter cap and proceeded to take my things to the sidewalk. Eventually she would leave.
From the time we parked to when she finally left was approximately 40 minutes.
That night I booked my bus to NYC.
I later had a dream and in that dream I was in bed with someone and I told them Alice and I broke up. Whoever she was, rolled out of bed and found that the bed was soaked in blood. Someone had their period in my bed. I immediately woke up and was confused as hell and tried to look up the meaning and this is what google had to say:
"Dreaming someone bled on your bed, especially with period blood, often symbolizes deep emotional release, life cycles, creativity, or feeling unprepared for a sudden emotional flow, representing a need to let go or embrace new beginnings, not literally about someone's physical period, but a subconscious processing of change, passion, or vulnerability in your personal space (the bed)."
Thanks for that universe...
The three weeks prior I recollected dreaming zero times and was close to breaking down twice. The only time I actually cried was the morning after the breakup. This surprised me because I knew my body was ready to cry but I think the night of December 15 made it more definitive. I was ready.
Tuesday December 16th, 2025 (Day 1069)
Tuesday morning I left my friends apartment to get to my bus to NYC. I looked out to the spot one last time from last night. I finally broke down, finally feeling the release that my body oh so needed. It was over.
17/15 Garrison Ave.
Somerville, MA
I took the T train to South Station not looking at my phone just staring out the windows allowing my eyes to lose focus and blurring my vision. Once I made it to South Station I saw the first sign to the bus terminal and I broke down once again. I looked around hoping for a place to cry on my own but there was no place to go. I stood there letting people pass me as I allowed my emotions to take me over.
Once everyone passed I continued toward the bus terminal crying the entire way there. I sat at my gate and continued to cry until the arrival of my bus.
GATE 14
The bus trip was 5 hours long with just my thoughts replaying as many moments as I could trying to figure out what went wrong and what I could have done differently. When I got to NYC I met up with friends to get dinner letting them know I wasn't ready to talk about it.
We took the ferry back to their apartment in Staten Island and relaxed in their living room. I then proceeded to tell them what had happened breaking down for the third and final time that day.
