Episode 41: Don, can you just please?!

Hey Don,

I hate to be blunt, but you're pathetic. I need you to have a little more self respect for yourself. I know,  you saw her today so you're a wreck but how can you allow someone who doesn't care about you have so much control over you?  She wasn't happy, so she cut you out so you need to do the same too. I know I know, easier said than done.  I wish I could guarantee that you'll find the person you're looking for but I can't. What I can guarantee is that it's not Alice. 

She broke up with you.  You flew to Boston to win her back and nothing happened. You tried to talk to her again at Masters Nationals, and guess what?! She was not happy to see you. You NEED to let her go. It is obvious that she wants nothing to do with you and you're not going to find the answers you're looking for and you probably never will. But you knew that already.

But I'm proud of you. 

You've made such strides this year.  You've had over 150 auditioned this calendar year and we're still in October.  You've started auditioning for student films and memorizing lines is actually fun for you now. You booked a voiceover gig on a HUGE videogame that you're not even allowed to talk about for another month! This is your most successful year in acting by far.  It's funny,  you're so sad right now but it's also given you so much motivation to tell your story and looking for characters and projects that reflect those feelings because YOU have a story and you WANT to tell it. You've realized that you've been comfortable and need to stretch yourself TO GROW. Maybe the relationship was holding you back?

I haven't even started talking about youth ultimate! I know it doesn't feel like it but you've done so much.  Have you had set backs? YES!  But now you have more direction and a plan on how to grow youth ultimate.  You took swings and you missed but you learned from those misses. You've nurtured new relationships with other programs with a true direction.  Tomorrow you start your daily classes at an all girls school to grow girls playing ultimate! Dude, you're killing it!  I know that you're burned out and that you don't have a lot of people helping you but you're molding more than just a program.  You're creating a community with a vision and building programs with spirit of the game as a center piece.  You have a player centered approach to coaching and programming and that is something that youth sports dearly needs.  Today you had one of the first kids you ever coached come up to you and tell you, "Don, I'm older than when you first started coaching me when I was 9".  You started coaching him when you were 22 and now he's 25. That's insane!

I know I started off this letter saying that you're pathetic but be more kind to yourself... yeah?

Sincerely,

You

Episode 40: Fight for you?

Please play this song while reading...

I've been thinking about a question that Alice asked me almost a year ago.

The question was asked after I threatened to leave her in San Diego after she wouldn't talk to me for 10 hours when I made a mistake the previous night and referenced a Thai food video as, "the food of her people". She's Taiwanese. She shutdown and chose to not speak a word to me for rest of the night. 

That night I did not sleep and didn't want to push her to talk, so I suffered through the night. For her. The next morning I continued to wait for her response but I got restless from the silent treatment and asked if we could talk.  She looked at me and without a word she turned and went to the bathroom, I had enough.  I took her belongings I had of hers and left them on her bag.  I was ready to leave and go back to LA. When she returned, she started talking,

"What is this?" referencing her pants that she's lent me for months. 

That's when I told her I was leaving.  

I was tired of her shutting me out, I was tired of waiting for her, I was tired of fighting for her. 

That's when she started to breakdown and when she asked the question,  "Why won't you fight for me?"

In that moment, I was shocked to hear the question. I've thought about it and analyzed why I would feel this way. And the truth is I've always fought for her from the beginning up until that moment. Even now I am in a way.

I can analyze our relationship all day. The reason I was given as to why we aren't together any longer, as I recall, was that I didn't put as much work into the relationship as she did. No context, that's it. It hurts so much because I think I was a good boyfriend and it sucks not knowing what I did wrong. 

It's easier, and most likely the reason, to think that she just didn't want to date anymore. Sure, that still would suck but a more understandable reason.

Ugh,  I need to stop listening to Olivia Rodrigo...

EPISODE 39: Hello Void!

INT. Bedroom

DON is at his computer with his foster dog Noodle and feels the need to write.

DON

What up Void?

VOID Nothin' bruv

DON

I've been thinking about Alice a lot?

VOID

Oh this again?

DON

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. I talk your ear off about her.

VOID

She hasn't talked to you in over 6 months as of 2 days ago.

DON

Why do you think I'm talking to you right now?

VOID

Fair.

DON

I had a dream about her the other night.

VOID

Oh yeah?

DON

Yeah, but the thing was I knew I was dreaming. I recall feeling my hands going through hair and finding familiarity in it. When I looked down, there she was smiling back at me, chin up squinting her eyes shut at me. At that moment I knew I was dreaming and I knew I could open my eyes at any moment but if I knew that it would be over if I had so I decided to stay.

VOID

<regurgitates more void>

DON

<rolls eyes> Whatever... I've been training for ultimate again.

VOID

That's good! What inspired that?

DON

I see friends playing at a high level still and there really is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be in really good shape right now. I'll be playing Masters Nationals and trying to play with Family Style.

VOID

Oh that's awesome! Good for you... Hum, you know who might be at Master's Nationals?

DON

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know.

VOID

That's not a reason is it?

DON

No! But I would be lying if I wasn't thinking about it. Meh, most likely if we were both there we wouldn't see eachother anyway.

VOID

Sure... and you if you do?

DON

I'll talk to her. But I'd really just want an update on how things are going for her. Congratulate her on the new job etc.

VOID

Okay, good. Probably not the place to talk about, you know.

DON

Oh definitely. I don't want to cry at Masters Nationals! Haha!

VOID

IMAGINE!

DON

Well anyway I got a dog.

VOID

Okay?

DON

It's a fospice.

VOID

As in "foster hospice"? Did you come up with that yourself?

DON

No! The shelter uses that term.

VOID

That's nice of you!

DON

Sure sure sure. But this is helpful for me too. Want to see him?!

VOID

Of course I do!

VOID

OH MY GOD!!!

DON

RIGHT?!

VOID Alright, this is getting weird. You should probably stop talking to me.

DON

That fair.

Episode 38: Marathon 6 and ironically on my 38th Bday

 Woah its my birthday today and I'm posting my 38th episode on my 38 birthday!  ekkkk!! 

Yesterday I ran my 6th Marathon and the 4th time I've run LA Marathon. Here is my summary:

MILE 1	9:57	Took a pee break immediately at the start of the race.
MILE 2	8:17	The first half of the marathon is my favorite part of the course. You run past Echo Park Lake/Silverlake/ Los Feliz and this year they had the entire set up for the Oscars in Hollywood which I don't think has ever been set up in all my past runnings of the marathon before. Unfortunately I didn't see anyone I knew during these miles.
MILE 3	8:27
MILE 4	8:16
MILE 5	9:12
MILE 6	8:46
MILE 7	8:28
MILE 8	8:30
MILE 9	8:36
MILE 10	8:33
MILE 11	8:31
MILE 12	8:26
MILE 13	13:18	I knew once I hit 10 miles is when I would need to start worrying about my body holding up. This was when I started to cramp up for the first time in my left calf but found someone with biofreeze to apply onto my calves. Whenever I had a chance I would take the opportunity to apply more biofreeze/icy hot to my calves.
MILE 14	9:30
MILE 15	9:02
MILE 16	10:17	Definitely the fastest I've ran down the big hill on Doheny St.
MILE 17	11:24	I won't lie, there was this women that was encouraging people on their run but way too aggressively. I did not like it.
MILE 18	10:23	Saw my friend Bryan and he ran with me for a little bit!
MILE 19	10:18	Almost all my friends were on this mile! Elaine, Frank, Matt, Devon, Lu, Peter, Garrett, Jason!
MILE 20	11:45
MILE 21	21:11	I practically walked this entire mile and met a new friend trying to go for a PR but wasn't her day unfortunately.
MILE 22	14:04
MILE 23	12:54	I started to feel "better" my calves weren't cramping up as much but were just super tight.
MILE 24	12:51
MILE 25	11:19	Saw Chelsea and Huddy!
MILE 26	11:13	Saw Sylvia and family!
FINISH	4:39:59	Not my best performance but I'm glad I finished. I aim for next year.

This year has already had its ups and downs and this race was stressing me out so much.  I am glad its over.

I am so appreciative of my friends that came out to support me on NOT my best day.  It means so much more that people came out to support me under those conditions. I can't wait to actually put in the work for next years marathon.

Episode 37: 3 year Anniversary...

Please play this song while you read this post:

Its been a month since my last post and I won't lie... I've been struggling mentally.  EVERYTHING reminds me of her but that's obvious, right?  It was a significant time of my life with a person that I thought I would be together with for the rest of my life. Of course that came with my doubts but I was still hopeful. 

I've been finding memories and connections with whatever I do since that day.  I posted constantly while I was in NYC and it felt all performative.  The appearance of having a good time but in reality I was miserable. I was not myself while I was there.  Every market I went to reminded me of her let alone the entire city.  I connected NYC as the last place we broke up in 2023. It was the place we kissed in the rain running from scaffolding to scaffolding kissing passionately under each one prolonging the night as much as we could. At the end of that night in 2023 we ended up "breaking up" in Brooklyn and by the time I arrived back in the lower east side the sun was up and guess what?  I was miserable then too.

When I got back home in Palatine Illinois I finally felt comfort.  I had inklings of normalcy in NYC but it was more consistent in Palatine.  As soon as I got home I told my mom about Alice and immediately she asked, "Are you okay?" I know it's only a few words but how my mom said it is all I really needed.  My mom is my #1 fan and I know that. I wasn't going to talk about it with my mom, at least not yet, I want her to still have the best possible perception of Alice. The only reason I told my family was because I wasn't going to lie to them during the holidays.  Only my immediate family though.

We had a family shoot which was fun but was a reminder that I was alone too.  We had "couple" shots and the photographer asked if I wanted to take a solo shot.  I'm not sure if this actually happened but I felt my sister and sister-in-law look at each in a stare while I responded, "Nah, I'm good..."  These small interactions do make me feel seen by my family and I know they have my back at the end of the day.

Returning from Palatine I had my NYE party in LA, celebrated with friends, and then announced the countdown as a I watched my friends celebrate the New Year. Time seemed to stand still the volume lowered and I reflected as friends either embraced or have their New Years kiss. It was a tough moment but I was happy at least surrounded by my friends.

From then to now I ran a youth tournament and have tried my best to stay busy as much as possible.  Thinking of Alice will continue to be inevitable. Even running the tournament it just reminded me how she volunteered to help me in 2023.

LEIOUT 2026

I thought about not going to Leiout this year.  Mainly because I was going to the house where Alice and I first met and also the bank account ain't looking the greatest. But going was probably the best thing I could do.

So I ended up going.  I went to Lu's to carpool to Huntington Beach and as soon as I walked through the door he asked, "Have you seen Alice's story".  My heart dropped,  as soon as she broke up with me I blocked her in everything to assure nothing like this would happen. Lu apologizes but I NEED TO KNOW NOW. 

Her story was her in San Francisco, which I wasn't surprised about. She wasn't going to Leiout so I figured she'd use it to interview at different places. She practically has no days off left until she's done with residency. In her story she says, “I can get used to this.” And that’s all it takes to have my weekend start spiraling.

I was determined to still have a good time.  This weekend I was a yes man and I was ready to party hard. Friday I stayed out until 4AM talking with a friend about her relationship issues well into the night.  She had no idea about my own but it was nice to hear how much she loves her husband and what they're doing to work on things.

Saturday was definitely fun. It just started off a little rough. Tiffany, Alice's roommate, was at our Airbnb before the party and she handed me all of my belongings that Alice was holding onto. So guess what?  I spiraled, but I fought it.  I warmed up half way through games at the house and was okay by the time we left. At the party people were trying to get me to hook up with other people but I'm not ready for that. I did hug every single friend I saw and danced the night away. It is always awesome being surrounded by friends.  I felt the support all night and I'm glad I left the house.

Monday after Leiout unfortunately I was left alone with my thoughts crying a little bit on my own in the morning and asked a friend to get coffee and immediately broke down when talking about Alice again. Whenever I cry I wonder what exactly is the trigger for me.  What causes me to lose control?  But anyway, we talked for 4.5 hours at that coffee shop.  I'm not going to go into detail but it was definitely something I needed and once again so grateful for the friends that I have.

There will continue to be these impending milestones where I will cry.  I do not know all of them and definitely look forward to none of them.

Honorable highlights:
1/16 Started therapy. It went well?