Episode 35: Crossroads

It's been 1 week being "single" and I can definitely say that I have great friends.  I have been blessed with good people in my life, that want to see me happy and that's been such a reassuring part of this entire process.

I have played with the idea of what would it look like if we got back together again or why it's good/bad that we're no longer together.

I have asked myself "why do I love Alice?" and that will be the driving force moving forward. It is either do I win her back or parting ways is for the best. This brought up so many questions in my own mind:

• Do I just want to be together because I'm "losing"?
• Is it for selfish reasons?
• Maybe we're just not ready for each other yet?
• But also that doesn't also mean we'll ever be ready.
• Do I love her?
  
• Yes, but why?
• she's so supportive
• adventurous in her own way
• she inspires me
• she's so caring
• We're very much the same and yet so different
• She makes me better
• she makes me happy
• Are our wants too different to get over?
• I want kids
• But I've said this to friends, but not to her, that I would rather be with her than not.
• I don't even know when I'll truly be ready to have kids myself either.
• I want to get married
• Which I think she's good with eloping and that would be good enough for me. Hell I can't afford a wedding anyway...
• Do I return her Christmas gift?!
• I kind of want to just hold onto it.

This entire relationship weighed heavy on me because it was of course a risk from the start as any relationship is.  But this is long distance for 3 YEARS!  And we ALMOST MADE IT!  Once she moved to Los Angeles, would it have made it different? Would we go back to the passion that we had when she was in LA or was that ONLY a honeymoon phase and it would be very much the same as if she were in Boston?  I beg closer to the former.