Episode 37: 3 year Anniversary...

Please play this song while you read this post:

Its been a month since my last post and I won't lie... I've been struggling mentally.  EVERYTHING reminds me of her but that's obvious, right?  It was a significant time of my life with a person that I thought I would be together with for the rest of my life. Of course that came with my doubts but I was still hopeful. 

I've been finding memories and connections with whatever I do since that day.  I posted constantly while I was in NYC and it felt all performative.  The appearance of having a good time but in reality I was miserable. I was not myself while I was there.  Every market I went to reminded me of her let alone the entire city.  I connected NYC as the last place we broke up in 2023. It was the place we kissed in the rain running from scaffolding to scaffolding kissing passionately under each one prolonging the night as much as we could. At the end of that night in 2023 we ended up "breaking up" in Brooklyn and by the time I arrived back in the lower east side the sun was up and guess what?  I was miserable then too.

When I got back home in Palatine Illinois I finally felt comfort.  I had inklings of normalcy in NYC but it was more consistent in Palatine.  As soon as I got home I told my mom about Alice and immediately she asked, "Are you okay?" I know it's only a few words but how my mom said it is all I really needed.  My mom is my #1 fan and I know that. I wasn't going to talk about it with my mom, at least not yet, I want her to still have the best possible perception of Alice. The only reason I told my family was because I wasn't going to lie to them during the holidays.  Only my immediate family though.

We had a family shoot which was fun but was a reminder that I was alone too.  We had "couple" shots and the photographer asked if I wanted to take a solo shot.  I'm not sure if this actually happened but I felt my sister and sister-in-law look at each in a stare while I responded, "Nah, I'm good..."  These small interactions do make me feel seen by my family and I know they have my back at the end of the day.

Returning from Palatine I had my NYE party in LA, celebrated with friends, and then announced the countdown as a I watched my friends celebrate the New Year. Time seemed to stand still the volume lowered and I reflected as friends either embraced or have their New Years kiss. It was a tough moment but I was happy at least surrounded by my friends.

From then to now I ran a youth tournament and have tried my best to stay busy as much as possible.  Thinking of Alice will continue to be inevitable. Even running the tournament it just reminded me how she volunteered to help me in 2023.

LEIOUT 2026

I thought about not going to Leiout this year.  Mainly because I was going to the house where Alice and I first met and also the bank account ain't looking the greatest. But going was probably the best thing I could do.

So I ended up going.  I went to Lu's to carpool to Huntington Beach and as soon as I walked through the door he asked, "Have you seen Alice's story".  My heart dropped,  as soon as she broke up with me I blocked her in everything to assure nothing like this would happen. Lu apologizes but I NEED TO KNOW NOW. 

Her story was her in San Francisco, which I wasn't surprised about. She wasn't going to Leiout so I figured she'd use it to interview at different places. She practically has no days off left until she's done with residency. In her story she says, “I can get used to this.” And that’s all it takes to have my weekend start spiraling.

I was determined to still have a good time.  This weekend I was a yes man and I was ready to party hard. Friday I stayed out until 4AM talking with a friend about her relationship issues well into the night.  She had no idea about my own but it was nice to hear how much she loves her husband and what they're doing to work on things.

Saturday was definitely fun. It just started off a little rough. Tiffany, Alice's roommate, was at our Airbnb before the party and she handed me all of my belongings that Alice was holding onto. So guess what?  I spiraled, but I fought it.  I warmed up half way through games at the house and was okay by the time we left. At the party people were trying to get me to hook up with other people but I'm not ready for that. I did hug every single friend I saw and danced the night away. It is always awesome being surrounded by friends.  I felt the support all night and I'm glad I left the house.

Monday after Leiout unfortunately I was left alone with my thoughts crying a little bit on my own in the morning and asked a friend to get coffee and immediately broke down when talking about Alice again. Whenever I cry I wonder what exactly is the trigger for me.  What causes me to lose control?  But anyway, we talked for 4.5 hours at that coffee shop.  I'm not going to go into detail but it was definitely something I needed and once again so grateful for the friends that I have.

There will continue to be these impending milestones where I will cry.  I do not know all of them and definitely look forward to none of them.

Honorable highlights:
1/16 Started therapy. It went well?